Finding myself in a world of rebellion, debt, and confusion was the leading factor which drove me to discover the online world of Camming. Three months ago, I woke up - homeless - on a friends couch. Hungry, a college drop out, an embarrassment to the privileged lifestyle I fled as soon as I was eighteen, and grieving over my ex, who had used my name and hard work - at minimum wage pay - for a car, four trips to Vegas, and an engagement ring for his off and on girlfriend of eight years; now, his wife. Three years earlier, he would - a twenty- five years old, and sexy young man - convince this dumb little girl - then eighteen - to leave everything for his fake-ass adventure. Back to three months ago; Sorry about the detour. So, I'm barely twenty-one, and my free spirited ways lead me to a world of uncertainty, and unpredictability. I wanted my freedom from everything and all those who caged me, including the warden of my prison, myself. I became a slave to a cycle of depression, and feeling sorry for myself and situation, even throughout the process of my relationship. I was always sad about the truth; The loneliness was real, and still, I couldn't take the power into my own hands to make a change, plus, I couldn't face my overly religious parents in defeat. Needing help from them would mean that I would have to submit to their dogmatic views and weird "Pentecostal" programming methodologies and controls; that is what lead me to runaway in the first place. Then, the real world? As a young - "first time" - adult, and bosses started groping me. I'd complain, and my complaints fell on hardened hearts, and excited laps. I was mad at the world for my hard work not being enough for me - alone - to get by, and the one I depended on, did enough - only- for me to wipe my brow from the anxiety of us falling behind on bills, again and again. There was never no savings, and I found myself starving, literally fucking hungry, while he went out more and more, and he - somehow - got fatter by the minute; All the while things only went from bad to worse, as we started jumping around from place to place, with no certainty of - pretty much - anything. Then, one day, I came home from work, and he and all my shit was gone. Asshole, even took my damn tampons. I mean, fucking really? There I go again, ranting, excuse me. The day I turned on my phone's camera and started my first show, just a few short months ago, was the day that all of it changed, and by the end of it - my show - I smiled from ear to ear. I knew that I no longer had to depend on anyone, but rather, that I can truly be free to discover myself. Mind you - of course - I was nervous as fuck, and wanting to puke my brains out, but after a few minutes the nervousness was gone. Little did I know, that this industry's world - in just these few short months - was going to bring me face to face with reality in its most transparent expressions; I mean, in this world, it is almost like, "Anything Can & Might Happen", well almost, anyway. I also would discover more about my insecurities, strengths, and desires that were always there, but just hidden; I mean, we all know that the camera has a way of bringing to our frontal consciousness all our insecurities, to include fears - that - "US" being on the spot have to learn to face and deal with - those stumbling blocks - on a constant, and instantaneous level. To me, it felt - at first - like this industry was a sink or swim situation in the middle of a deep ocean of anxiety and uncertainty, and all the while having to maintain understanding that, "The show must go on". Regardless, rather you are sinking or swimming, the show must go on. We all have our reasons and motivations for this industry, and for whatever reason you find the strength to keep on plugging away, then; Good Job Girl, Boy, Trans, Couple, plus any other Pronouns I'm forgetting to mention. For me, it's because of adventure that comes with determination. Even if I am sinking in this live feed and trade, I am still going, moving forward, learning, and - somehow - still paying my debts, and bills; Making Those Goals. That is a strength that always existed in me, but it was just stagnant; I was always doing it alone, just never clicked until now. All I needed was a little push. Funny, now - if life can get anymore interesting I'm sure it will - every transparency hid under the surface on our regular social interactions - "Day to Day Life" - are now blatantly in my face, and it is truly enlightening - for me - to see the needs, desires, hurts, strengths, and flaws of our tremendous - curious - human race expressed in such real and pretty diverse ways. The fun part is, is I discovered I love sex, and pretty much any kind of intense, crazy, "decent" role-play; Whatever decent is? It makes me think that we are all intense - passionate - people, lol, in our own ways, and that we are all struggling with hopes of feeling comforted, understood, accepted, not judged, secure, whole, not alone, to include, creative. I feel - and I know I'm not alone because I've heard it said among the industry - that this job is an unaccredited Doctorates in Psychology field. And, I'm just getting started. I'm here to discover and learn from the best and am excited to meet as many new people that can enlighten me on more tricks of the trade that I'm sure I have not discovered yet. I intend on succeeding because I want to, and I like the adventure so far. It's found me a decent place of my own, a life where I feel in control, and revelations of my own person.
I'm Maddie-Rue Sinclear; Your Online MRS.